Racquetball and Baby Oil
by Rlay
Summary: Lemon and Jack take their frustration out on a game of racquetball because of stress from TGS. There, on the court, Lemon gets hit in the face and Jack comes to her rescue.


Baby Oil and Racquetball

(Liz enters Jack's office exasperated because of how stressed out she is with her TGS show along with Tracy and Jenna's behavior on set.)

Jack: Lemon, that face you make. Don't do that. What can I do?

Liz: Jack. Tracy and Jenna are ruining my show. They have become so consumed in themselves, they have forgotten about my feelings and emotions. I need appreciation too, you know.

Today, they were dressed up in Tarzan costumes- she hesitates and then stutters- don't judge Jack (waving hands frantically), and they actually began "apeing" each other.

Jack: Apeing? Lemon, you're well into your late thirties by now, stop using made up, childish names for sex. Just say, sex. No, "knocking boots", no "they injected one another" or my personal favorite, "making whoopee". You make Macaulay Culkin look mature.

Liz: First of all, I am thirty-one. Upper thirties, really? Really Jack?

And all of those are so much better used when I say them.

(Liz turns and looks at camera)-See?- insert montage of Liz saying the phrases listed above in a way that makes her look comical to audience

(Return back to scene of Liz and Jack)

But back to Tracy and Jenna's apeing, which is obviously not in reference to SEX Jack; Come on! Give me a break. They were literally attacking one another like apes. Leaping around, beating their chests, and Jenna even somehow had a bug fly into her mouth on stage and it somehow made it up to her ear where Tracy picked it out- and keep in mind those incidents were not in the script!

Jack: There, there Lemon. You fret about those two way too often and I think I know a cure for your "minute interferences". See, when you first walked in I thought you needed a massage

(Camera rotates to Lemon where she is smiling exuberantly)

But then I realized my two o'clock racquetball partner had cancelled quite suddenly, and (walks over and takes Lemon's hand), would you want to come and take his place Liz Lemon? It is the number one stress reliever in the world.

You have to understand that I never give out invitations like this and if you do not accept, I do have the capability of firing you..and all of the people you feel you are superior to. And that was not a threat, just the truth, no misogynist Jack today, Liz- I'm feeling my racquetball self emerge thanks to you.

Liz: You do not know what you got yourself into Jack. I was number one on my junior high school racquetball team and dominated in 100-yard sprints.

(She starts bouncing on her toes)

Give me ten minutes to tape up my knees- which I most likely will have Ceerie do for me just because I want to institute my authority and make her feel obligated to ask me questions about my racquetball past, and then we can head on our way, okay? Please tell me that you aren't wearing those hideous, bright orange New Balance shorts you always wear on Tuesday racquetball days again?

Jack: Lemon, go get your knees taped and I will see you at this address in 10 minutes

(Scribbles down address and tosses the paper to Liz). And yes, I will be wearing my shorts.

Scene 2

(Jack wanders into his designated racquetball room only to find Lemon already doing lunges across the floor)

Liz: Jack, I'm ready.

(Jack makes a face from disbelief and cannot believe how attractive Lemon looks in her racquetball outfit)

Jack: Wow, Lemon you look great. I've never seen you look this glowing and magnificent before.

Liz: That's because I put baby oil all over my body to enhance my swiftness on the court. See, smell me; I smell like a baby. (Shoves leg up to his face)

Jack: I will trust you on that one Lemon- your legs are hairier than mine, but damn, you look good. I think maybe GE should go into the baby oil business after the transformation it did on you- we would be rich!

Liz: Lets get started Jack! I am here to relieve stress, remember? This is not about you and your lucrative industry of baby oil. You don't understand. Wearing this stuff has been my secret trick for years. Just wait and see.

(Within seconds, Jack drops the ball and smacks it on the wall; before words could have been spoken about how hard his shot was, Lemon gets knocked in the face)

Jack: Lemon! Oh my god what have I done? I told you I have an incredible talent for this sport that is why I wear these orange New Balance shorts. Your nose looks crooked. Let me take a look.

Liz: OWWWWW Jack! I cannot believe you did this to me (then she looks up in an infatuated gaze) but you really do have an immaculate arm. You seem immaculate to me right now for some reason. Oh god, what is going on with us?

(Jack leans in and tries to readjust her nose, but instead kisses her)

Jack: I have wanted to do that for some time now, but I think the oil on your arm sped the process up. Lemon, you are incredible. (End Scene)


End file.
